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Below is a list of things that I hope to, one day, change about myself:
-First off, I would change the fact that I apologize too much. I apologize too much for things that I'm not really sorry about. I apologize to people when THEY bump into me. I apologize when I say something that I feel wasn't funny enough for others. I apologize for apologizing.
-I'd get rid of my post nasal drip that makes my throat taste like ass. Having post
nasal drip tastes like you have a little piece of rotting tri-tip stuck in the back of your throat and every time you swallow you get to taste the festering taste of rotting meat death.
-I would change the fact that when I was 11 my grandpa sat me on his lap, and told me the story of a princess who was obsessed with finding the biggest penis of the land, and after trying all the men in the village she decided she was better off with a donkey, so she wrapped the donkey's dick in a towel and made it fuck her.
-I would change the fact that the only thing that trips me out about the sick ass story my grandpa told me is that it makes no sense that the princess would wrap a towel around the donkey's dick. I never understood what the purpose of the towel was. She should have put a Magnum on it or have just fucked it without a condom since any child knows that women can't be impregnated by donkeys.
-I would change the fact that I once paid a Cuban Witch that lived in a shack $350 to slaughter a sick goat in front of me and spray me with rancid goat blood while I lay in a bath tub, so that I could get cured of a the evil dead spirits that were causing me to have chronic stomach aches. Except the stomach aches ended up just being that I was constipated from taking too much Vicodin and eventually I shit out a clogged turd that was so long we had to cut it with scissors to make it go down the toilet.
-I would change the fact that I can only cum if I watch Simpson's porn and that my favorite Simpson's porn is one I found of Bart Fucking Lisa with his skinny, slimy, yellow weiner, and I would also change the fact that i've masturbated to the thought of Groundskeeper Willie sucking my titties inside the Springfied Elementary vent system. His large, veiny cartoony schlong covered in red pubic hair flopping in the air. And also I would change the fact that I wanna fuck other cartoons like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, and Sebastian the Crab from The Little Mermaid, and my main crush: Bambi's dad, that foxy antelope of lust with his big dildo horns sticking out of
-I would go back in time and let out a high pitched 5 minute trumpet fart at the funeral of my friend's grandma who was an old bitch that treated me like shit when I was a kid and wouldn't give me rides.
-I would avoid having gotten finger banged in the middle of the dance floor at the Spring Fling a Ding Dance in front of all those people and also the time I got fingered with a bread stick at Bucca Di Peppo and the time I got fingered with a USB cable in the back of a vehicle and also the time I got fingered by a stick with a marshmallow at the end of it during a camping trip.
-I would like to get on a bus and show everyone my tits.
-I would chose to be born without the mile long mole I have on my nipple, that I have to twirl into a bun whenever I leave the house so people don't notice my birth defect.
-I would change my other birth defect which is a hole that I have on my choad that has never been looked at by a professional doctor because i've been too scared even though once I asked a friend to look inside of said hole in my choad and when he looked he said he saw the mirror from snow white just hanging in there and was told by the face on the mirror “No one ever bothered to tell ME that I was even a little bit fair goddammit. The human race is a selfish bunch of pieces of shit. Am I fair, Am I fair MOTHERFUCKER?”
-I would change the fact that my fingers are fingers and not useful every day objects. I would replace my fingers with: a little bong that's always packed with weed, a medium sized penis that's always hard, a Q-Tip that self cleans, a salami made of humanely raised pork that lived a free and happy life until it died of old age and was then turned into a happy salami for me to eat, one little doggie that never barked, and on my other hand I would have each of my fingers replaced by little clones of my grandparents so that they could be by my side forever, and then my final finger would just be a regular finger in case I ever need to grab anything.
-Finally, I would most definitely change the fact that one night, when I was hooking up with an attractive man I was sucked up into the air by a force that I couldn't put into words. It was a light beam that just sucked me up and suddenly I found myself in a spaceship full of ET looking things that smelled like farts and were all wearing flip flops and none of them communicated anything to me they just sat me on a fold out chair in a high tech spaceship and flew me around the universe without talking to me. And I watched them play Rumikub and laugh amongst themselves without
filling me in on what the fuck was happening and it felt like Junior High when I was ignored. And the spaceship was cold and I had to poo and smelled like cheeses. And then they dropped me back off at home and the hot guy was gone and no one ever believed me. Anyways. That's probably the main thing I would have be different in my life. To realize that aliens are just a bunch of ugly fat things that looked like my grandma and were mean to me and then I realized maybe i'm the alien and now I don't regret anything else.